Running Dirty. Eating Clean. Loving Life.

You Can’t Make This S#!t Up!!

I don’t post about my personal life often.  Mainly because the point of this blog is to share my passion for running, fitness, health, and nutrition.  That and I’m sure a lot of the main players don’t want their business posted all over the internet for the world to see.  But this one is too good not to share.

So it all started on Mother’s Day when my mom insisted I consume the vast majority of a bottle of wine while we were out to dinner.  I was also on wonderful cold meds at the time.  Not the best combination to have in your system when making decisions about the future of your social life.  In my drunken stupor, I signed up for an online dating service.  You know all those horror stories your friends have told you?  They’re freaking true!!  This actually turned out to be a great move, especially since I plan on cancelling my DirecTV now that the olympics are over.  My Friday nights now typically consist of popping up a bag of kettle corn, pouring a glass of wine, and watching the train wreck unfold as I scroll through the profiles looking for the next potential Mr. Dirty Girl Running.  One of my personal favorites was the Man on the Flying Trapeze.  Then there was the guy that wanted to be reincarnated as his dog.  No really, he divulged that info via email.  I can’t forget the guy that lived on a houseboat with a pig.  So when I woke up to this gem from a 48-year-old gentleman who has never been married (and may have been the inspiration for the 40-Year Old Virgin), I knew it was going to be a great day.

Hi Girly runner
Your genuine, humble profile appeals to me. This is especially so because your presentation would give you the right not to be humble if you so desired. Pretty hair and smile..own a home..good job..rare for this site. lol So many “women in transition” trying to find who they are. You seem to know who you are..who you are seems nice. You seem to NOT be a high maintenance girl. I must say that I strongly prefer a woman with significant net worth and a stable main stream career. I have a large net worth and know many couples that clash over finances. I am a saver to the max. If being a trainer is your life goal, we probably don’t match long term. I find you extraordinarily appealing but need to be focused on my life partner search and start significant dialog when now. lol

Riiiiiiiiiight…………  I don’t know whether to laugh or be insulted.  I should also mention that his profile included the mandatory shirtless in the bathroom mirror picture.  Which is all fine and dandy and slightly guido-ish for guys in the their 20s and 30s that do frequent the gym.  But not appealing when you’re approaching 50, 5’10” and about 160 lbs soaking wet.  Let’s just say my arms were bigger than his. 

So boys, here is my PSA for those of you that are considering online dating.  Girls are not turned on by seeing you posing shirtless while flexing with a toilet in the background.  We are also not impressed by photos of you holding anything dead.  This includes fish and Bambi.  In fact, my theory is, the bigger the fish, the smaller the, well, you know….  Also, if you choose to email us to express interest and want the possibility to actually meet us in person for a drink or coffee, do not send an email that looks like something the Craigslist killer may write.  A simple, “Hey, I saw your profile and I was immediately drawn to your wit, intelligence, and beauty both inside and out.  I would love to get to know you better. ”  will suffice. 

Girls, my PSA for you.  If this guy contacts you, run away, run as fast as you can.  If your gut feeling tells you they may be that guy that escaped from the loony bin you saw on the news, chances are he is.  Call the proper authorities and use the reward money to treat your best girlfriend to a lobster dinner and dancing.  Or stay in and give each other pedicures while drinking champagne and seeing what other freak shows are out in the online dating world.

2 responses

  1. Okay, so at 50, 6’0″ and 150 lbs, I shouldn’t pose shirtless. Got it. But how else would you know I’ve reached the age where I have to shave my shoulders and my chest hair turned gray?!

    I have long entertained my married friends with dating horror stories. The girl who stabbed me doesn’t even make the 20 worst!

    2012/08/15 at 10:10 am

  2. I really feel sorry for you guys doing the online dating thing. Girls are freaking nuts!! I have yet to be stabbed. Sometimes I wonder if my friends are holding out from setting me up with nice guys that they know just for the entertainment value of my dating life.

    2012/08/15 at 10:42 am

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